Sexy Futuristic Sexy Times

28 Feb
February 28, 2012

Mass Effect 3 is out in a week, are we all excited? I’m excited. Not being sarcastic there actually. Despite my general cynicism, I enjoyed the second one quite a bit.

But that aside, I want to posit a theory on how the story is going to end.

Now, I think we can all guess the most obvious way for ME3 to end. Since we know a living Prothean is a DLC companion in this one, it’s a good bet that there will be some interaction with Prothean facilities in the story. Now, given that a single Reaper smacked around half the Citadel forces by itself and there are a bunch of the things attacking Earth, it’s hard to imagine the lesser races taking them all on without some help.

So putting 1 and 1 together, it seems fairly likely that the standard storyline will involve conveniently finding an ancient Prothean weapon of some sort and using it on the Reapers. No doubt the Protheans developed it once they found themselves under attack but didn’t quite manage to use it before their civilization was wiped out. Bad luck, that. Luckily, Shepard will pick up where they left off, probably flying a suicide mission to plant the McGuffin in Reaper Prime, Independance Day style.

(Note, this is not a spoiler. I’m just speculating here, dunno if it will end like that.)

So that’s the obvious ending. But I think Bioware is going to surprise us here. I think they’re going to throw in an alternate ending. Hear me out.

So this is the new look for Ashley Williams, right :

And here she is from the previous games :

It’s a subtle difference, but if you look veeeeeery carefully, you can see it.

Spot it? She’s looking just a little bit more…saucy.

And then there is EDI. You know, the ship’s AI. It seems she is getting a physical body in ME3. Here’s the concept art for that :

I think we can all agree that she will be a fantastic addition to any mission team. Morale boosting.

Let me just cut to the chase here. What is it that I think Bioware is adding to ME3 to surprise and delight their fans?

Romanceable Reaper Companion

Just picture it. Millenia drifting in the dark void of space can leave a sentient being feeling…lonely. Initially just a prisoner of war in the Normandy’s hold, neither Shepard nor the (conveniently human-sized and female-shaped) Reaper can deny the instant, primal connection they feel. As time passes they begin to understand each other’s backgrounds better, realizing that they aren’t that different after all, human and alien robot death-squid. Eventually, though the war pulls at their loyalties, they surrender to their feelings for one other…

…Seduce Reaper? – Yes / No / Flippant Remark.

Then, after Shepard teaches the Reapers the true meaning of Love, they agree to stop murdering everyone in the galaxy and live in peace with the biological races. With the help of their advanced technology the rebuilding of Earth moves quickly and a millenia of peace and prosperity is ushered in. Hooray!

I for one embrace this sexy vision of the sexy, sexy future.

11 replies
  1. M.Miles says:

    A reaper romance would either be terrible or awesome. It depends on whether the badness level is closer to “Plan 9 from outer space” bad rather than “Star wars holiday special” bad. 🙂

  2. Kimari says:

    By the way, I’m sorry to deviate from the topic of the blog post but I just had to ask: Have you decided on the name of your steampunk card game? Because I love to come up with new names 😛
    Here’s a few unsolicited ideas:

    “The Steamworks Chronicles”
    “Steamwork Battles”
    “Brass and Cobble”
    “The Super Steampunk Brothers”
    “AaaaaAAaaaAAAaaAAAAaAAAAA!! A reckless disregard for Steam Burns”
    “The whimsical tales of Arthur C. Clarke and George Washington”

    • gareth says:

      Not yet, but I really like that last one 😉

      And yeah, I feel the rage about the launch day DLC. People claim it’s not “necessary for the story”, but it’s a Prothean character in a setting where they’ve been wiped out as a species and play a main role in the lore and storyline. So, um…yeah. Super lame

  3. Kimari says:

    Oh, and to make things a little more on topic:
    Basically it’s a call for a boicot on the basis that ME3 has cut meaningful content from the game and is offering it as a 10 dollar DLC. On launch day.

  4. c. says:

    ME 2 was a mixture of a 3rd rate shooter and a 4th rate sci fi fanfic. The fact that the game was enjoyed by a lot of people (judging by its commercial performance), says a lot about contemporary gamers.

  5. Daniel says:

    Hey. Gareth if you hated the day one dlc, your probably going to hate the “endings”.

  6. Daniel says:

    In the words of the Turian Councillor: “Ah yes, ‘endings’, we have dismissed those claims.” sorry for the double post, but I can’t edit them. P.S once you’ve finished ME3 please tell us what you think.

  7. gareth says:

    Haha, will do.

  8. site says:

    It looks to me that this website doesnt download in a Motorola Droid. Are other people getting the exact same problem? I like this website and dont want to have to skip it when Im away from my computer.


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