Archive for category: Thinking Out Loud

On Making Space For Creativity

03 Jul
July 3, 2015

I had a great idea for a game prototype in the shower this morning. One that is reasonable in scope and achievable with my limited art budget. Which is great, and I look forward to finishing System Crash so that I can play around with it.

But it’s always like that, I’ve found. Ideas come in the shower, while I’m out on walks, or basically any time when I’m away from screens etc and my brain has space to churn.

That’s my simple theory of creativity. Spend time filling your mind with a range of influences: tv, books, music, art, life and so on. Then do some activity that forces your bran to switch modes from “processing input” to “ruminating”.

The ideas will bubble up naturally. Without any effort from you, your unconscious will get busy forming new connections, combining and rearranging your influences into new and interesting configurations. You just have to give it the space to do so, away from the million inputs and distractions of the modern world.

And have some easy, non-intrusive way to capture those fleeting ideas as they float up from your unconsciousness at hand, or they’ll slip from your mind as easily as they entered it. A computer with an active internet connection doesn’t count, by the way, unless you can stop yourself “just checking twitter quickly” when you’re recording your ideas. 😉

Before you know it, your problem will go from being “how do I be creative?” to “which of these ideas do I pursue?!? I can’t fit all of them in!”

Defining Success

26 Jun
June 26, 2015

When I think about releasing System Crash, it brings up a flood of emotions. Hope, excitement, anxiety, fear, all jumbled up together.

But fear, unfortunately, is a powerful, primal emotion- focus on it too much and it can grow, overshadowing all the others. When fear takes hold, excitement fades, motivation leaches away, and the brain switches to distraction-seeking activities in order to protect itself from being overwhelmed by anxiety.

And the more you’re invested, the greater the hope, the stronger the fear.

I’ve talked about this before, but the way I fight this is by reframing. I consciously choose to look at the situation differently. That might seem like ‘faking’, but it’s more self-persuasion. We’ve all experienced talking ourselves into or out of things, right?

For myself, this involves redefining what I consider to be a ‘success’. Choosing to look at success as not just the outcome of the making, but also what I’ve gained in the process of making something.

I can’t control how many units System Crash will sell, pinning my definition of success/failure solely on that metric leads to fear and anxiety. So instead I look at what I’ve achieved. I’ve built my first commercial video game, something I’ve been dreaming about my entire life. I’ve levelled up my skills in so many areas, in design, art, UX, networking and more.

And most importantly, I’m no longer a spectator cheering on the fighters in the arena, idly arguing over “how I would have done it”. I’ve left the stands, donned my armor, grasped my sword in sweaty hands and stepped out onto the blood-stained sands of the arena. I’ve put myself into the fight. And whether I win or lose my first battle, I’m out there putting myself to the test. I’m learning, in blood and sweat and pain, what works and what doesn’t. Where I need to improve, what my strengths and weaknesses are, and how to take a hit and keep on going.

That is real success. Progress. Challenge. Growth. Loving the process.

When you look at it like that, the last 3+ years are already a success. I know that sounds like some cornball hippy crap, but it’s the truth. And when I hold that firmly in the front of my mind, fear loses its hold. Eagerness, excitement and joy bubble back up, and I’m rearing to get back into the fight again.

Skin Deep

10 Apr
April 10, 2015

That Sad Puppies thing is still ongoing, drawing even George RR Martin into the fray. It looks set to continue for a while, this fight. And it’ll get uglier before it gets better, no doubt.

I was chatting with a friend on Facebook about it today. She mentioned how she’d tweeted an article about the Hugos and, as is par for the course with these kinds of things these days, some rando looking for a fight quickly found her and engaged her in “debate”.

And there was a point this guy made, one similar to what we saw deployed in GamerGate’s NotYourShield campaign. It goes like this: “We’re not against diversity! How can you possibly say that?!? Look here, we have black writers, interracial marriages, female writers etc! We’re diverse!”

The flaw in this argument is that the anti-diversity part is not just about who creates the work but also about what they’re creating. You can be a black lesbian author, no problem, but don’t write a story that’s an allegory for racism and homophobia! Don’t discuss gender roles in video games! And certainly don’t give those kinds of stories a bunch of awards!!! That’s too much, intolerable. They can only have won by cheating. Something must be done.

You must conform to the *tastes* of these groups, tastes which represent, primarily, white conservative males.

Both groups will happily welcome women, homosexuals, gay people, people of colour, transexuals, whoever into their ranks. Just don’t go writing about issues that specifically concern those groups. Don’t give your awards to fiction that scathingly critiques capitalism and nationalism. Don’t evaluate video games through a feminist lens. Don’t point out that existing media is problematic.

Just be a fan, that’s ok, that’s safe.

Maybe, maybe we’ll let you talk about those issues, just a bit, just over in that corner over there. Where it can be safely ignored. But don’t talk too much, don’t be too loud, don’t take center stage, don’t trespass into our domain.

It’s skin-deep diversity, deployed as a smokescreen, a shield.

Don’t be fooled.

Thinking Out Loud

08 Apr
April 8, 2015

I’ve long debated with myself over what I want this blog to be. Do I only want to post stuff about game development? Or do I want it to be more of a personal journal, a place for thinking out loud?

And do I want to talk about controversial topics like atheism or politics, that might drive away people who only browse this blog for the game dev updates? People who are nice, but who don’t want to read views they may feel are attacking deeply their deeply held views on whatever? It’s so easy for that kind of content to ignite into flame wars.

I don’t know. But I do know that trying to keep this place “game dev only” has resulted in long patches where I go quiet. Honestly, some parts of game development are just boring drudge work, and I find it hard to motivate myself to write about those aspects. I’m probably sabotaging myself here, there may very well be people interested in reading about even the tasks I find dull as ditch water, but it is what it is.

But I do think I should be trying to write on this blog regularly. For the practice, mainly. Of all the tasks I’ve tackled in making System Crash, writing is the hardest. Not necessarily because it’s the hardest skill, but it certainly is the one I’ve developed the least. Programming is obviously my main skillset, I’ve been doing that professionally for a decade and it comes fairly easily. Art, well, I’m competent enough to get by. But writing, writing is where I bleed.

So I’d like to get into a practice regime, in the same way one would get up every morning and do sit ups. And I think that, whether it’s writing fiction or non-fiction, attempting to put my thoughts into words will exercise those writerly muscles.

So I’m trying something different as an experiment, as least for a while. From now on, I’m just going to post whatever moves me to write. Whether that’s gaming/dev related, personal anecdotes and musings, or even contentious politics. I’ve decided that GarethFouche.com is for me, my personal stuff. All of it. It’s a better place than my facebook wall, that’s for sure.

If I feel the need to split off the game dev part so that people can consume only that, I’ll add a dev blog to roguemoonstudios.com. Feel free, lovely reader, to let me know if that’s how you’d prefer things to be divided.

I’m fairly lazy, so I’d only go to the effort of splitting that content off if there was a demand for it. ;P

Fuck You, Morpheus

12 Mar
March 12, 2015

I predict that most enduring legacy of the Matrix movies will be hatred of the term “taking the red pill.” And those who describe their world views as such.

Spotted on twitter.

Over a month ago, I declined some “for exposure” work. This evening, I finally got a response and its….. incredible.

-Rian Sygh

B_3JSchXEAEaFCs

https://twitter.com/RianSygh/status/575837646934708225/photo/1

Fake It Till You Make It.

05 Mar
March 5, 2015

My twitter feed right now is filled with awesome devs meeting and hanging out with other awesome devs over at GDC, having a whale of a time. I’m a bit jealous, I’ll admit. Maybe more than a bit.

I have the money to go to GDC, but I’ve never quite been able to justify it to myself. With the terrible exchange rate from SA rands to US dollars, it’s a rather expensive trip. And that’s just the trip, never mind actually renting a booth. Without a game with a bit of buzz behind it to show, I don’t know that the return on investment would make sense. Or rather, make cents.

At least, that’s what the “sensible” part of my mind tells me. But I’m still jealous.

And I’m remembering something I read about the phrase “fake it till you make it.” The word “fake” has unpleasant connotations attached to it, sleazy connotations. But, as someone pointed out once, the point isn’t to be a fake. Rather, it’s to act like the thing you want to be, even if you don’t feel you are that thing, yet. If you want to be a game developer, act like a game developer. Go to the conferences, introduce yourself as a game developer, go up and talk to other professionals in the industry etc. Even if doing so feels like wearing a suit that doesn’t fit. Eventually, so I’m told, it stop feeling like an act you’re putting on.

As a side note, I still hesitate to call myself a game developer. I haven’t finished and released a commercial game yet, so I still feel like a wannabe. Calling myself a game developer twangs away at my Imposter Syndrome, and I still often introduce myself as a programmer.

It’s something I need to fight against. I know that, logically, but it’s still a struggle, emotionally.

So I’m thinking next year I just need to make a plan and go to GDC. Just fucking do it. Walk the walk. Go as a developer, get a name tag that says Director of Rogue Moon Studios on it.

Oh, how pretentious I feel saying that. I struggle to refer to myself by that title with anything other than a self-mocking smirk. What a laugh, me, a director. Psshhtt.

Gotta work on this.

Worldcraft

04 Mar
March 4, 2015

Well, that’s that, then. The last of my things moved out of my old flat, spare furniture sold off, keys handed over to the landlord.

It’s a bit strange to be out of there, finally. Seven years I’d stayed in that flat, I’d long since outgrown it. But I stayed because rent was low(ish) and the shops were within walking distance so I didn’t have to drive much. A good spot for keeping my expenses reasonable while I pursued my dream of indie game development.

That didn’t quite work out, of course. Despite my careful planning, I still ran out of money before finishing my game, and I’m now back to working a day job while I finish SC after hours. But it sheltered me along one leg of my journey, that little flat, and now I’ve seen the last of it.

Strange, like I said. But good. Good to move on.

The packing up was rewarding, too. I sorted out my crap, consigning the detritus to garbage bags and hauling them off to the bins. You feel lighter after such an exercise, unclogged. And it forced me to go through my old notepads and scrap books, looking for anything worth keeping. In the process, I found my old game design notes and the little concept sketches I did, some of them kind of cool, some of them scribbles incomprehensible to anyone but myself.

I sat there, on the floor in my now furniture-devoid apartment, paging through those old, dusty notes and smiling. Remembering.

Game development can be hard, and solo game development even more so. There’s no one to motivate you but yourself, no team mates to draw emotional strength from or to share the burdens with. There have been times, working alone in that little flat while my friends buy houses and start families, where I’ve wondered whether the sacrifice was worth it. Whether I even really want to continue. Whether it matters.

Looking through those notes reminded me. No, this is where I belong. This is where my heart is, where it’s always been.

20150302_213238

Page after page of notes and sketches and diagrams. Skill and character descriptions, city and continent maps, spider diagrams of plot brainstorming. Snippets of world lore and quest ideas, monster and building and equipment concepts. Logos and emblems. Database designs and class descriptions(the code kind).

Some of the pages I took photos of:

 

Much of it shoddy, my nascent skills not quite up to the task of capturing the ideas in my head. And not yet disciplined or committed enough to sit and really flesh them out. But the spirit of the endeavor was there, shining through those pages. The urge to bring my daydreams of other worlds to life.

Like I said, I’ve asked myself whether it matters to me, which is part of the larger question of what I want my life to be about, really. The answer is there, in those notebooks. Indie game developers have a variety of reasons for doing what they’re doing. Some come to game design in order to explore interesting mechanics, others for the chance to bring their art to life. Me, I’m a world builder. World building, the exploration of imaginary places and characters, is what really fires me with excitement.

That’s why I love the fantasy and sci-fi genres. That’s why I can lose an entire Friday night on some Warhammer 40k lore wiki. That’s why I don’t skip the text. Strong world building is the common factor across my favourite games, more than mechanics or genre; compelling fictional worlds that I long to lose myself in, characters that I want to spend time getting to know.

I have spent my youth enjoying and absorbing the fantastical worlds that others have built. Now I want to craft worlds of my own design. And then hand them over to other people to enjoy.

Design is communication. The skills I’ve taught myself, coding, painting, writing, those are just different tools to communicate a design. Each with its own strengths and weaknesses. Game development weaves these disciplines together, binding story, art and mechanical interaction into a whole greater than its parts, conveying living, breathing worlds as no other medium can.

20150302_213321

I’ve saved those old design notes, filed them away fondly for when I need a boost. To remind me of where my heart lies, if I forget again.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have worlds to build. 😉

Mind The Straw, Sam

16 Sep
September 16, 2014

straw-bale-on-field

(Let me just apologize up front to the folk who visit this blog for the sporadic updates about game development. You’ll probably find this bewildering and/or irrelevant. Feel free to skip it, by all means. But I had a long-form thought I wanted to get down, twitter isn’t the best medium, and it seemed a bit much to hurl out randomly amoungst my friends and family on Facebook. So I thought to myself “you know, you do have a blog…”)

A couple of people in the skeptical community have been sharing this piece by well-known atheist writer Sam Harris, posted in response to…well, you should read the piece for the proper context, in his own words. I’m just going to critique it. He says some unfortunate things, in my opinion, and then falls prey to a common pitfall when discussing gender. It bugged me to the point where I felt like I needed to get down my thoughts.

(Let me say up front that I mostly like Harris and find him to be fairly clear-headed. Mostly.)

The first problem is that Sam reaches for an easy straw man counterargument in response to the charge of sexism. In fairness, misunderstandings arise, and these kinds of off-the-cuff remarks can be more poorly phrased than something carefully mulled over and written down. But still.

Here is where it starts. Harris relays their conversation to us.

She: Okay, let’s forget what you said about Sarah Palin. What you said about women in the atheist community was totally denigrating to women and irresponsible. Women can think just as critically as men. And men can be just as nurturing as women.

Me: Of course they can! But if you think there are no differences, in the aggregate, between people who have Y chromosomes and people who don’t; if you think testosterone has no psychological effects on human minds in general; if you think we can’t say anything about the differences between two bell curves that describe whole populations of men and women, whether these differences come from biology or from culture, we’re not going to get very far in this conversation.

She: I’m not saying that women and men are the same.

Me: Okay, great. So I think you misunderstood the intent of what I was saying. I was just acknowledging that some differences in the general tendencies of men and women might explain why 84 percent of my followers on Twitter are men. Unfortunately, we don’t have time to get into this, because there are 200 people standing behind you in line patiently waiting to have their books signed.

She: You should just know that what you said was incredibly sexist and very damaging, and you should apologize.

Me: You really are determined to be offended, aren’t you? It’s like you have installed a tripwire in your mind, and you’re just waiting for people to cross it.

If it’s not obvious, here, let me summarize the gist of the exchange :

Her: What you said is sexist.

Sam: Are you saying you think there aren’t any differences between men and women? If you think that, this conversation is over before it started!

You see it?

Sam’s response is an attack on a position that the other person didn’t state, a straw man argument. It is not the case that saying a particular generalization is harmful or biased means that you think the 2 genders are completely identical. It’s a huge reach to infer that from that comment, but it IS a great deal easier to knock down, as arguments go.

Sam then continues to build his pile of straw later, on his blog. Inviting us, his readers, to join him in laughing at the idea of someone denying that sex differences play even a small role in skewed gender representation in the management of powerful companies.

However, they are not the only factors that explain differences in social status between men and women. For instance, only 5 percent of Fortune 500 companies are run by women. How much of this is the result of sexism? How much is due to the disproportionate (and heroic) sacrifices women make in their 20’s or 30’s to have families? How much is explained by normally distributed psychological differences between the sexes? I have no idea, but I am confident that each of these factors plays a role. Anyone who thinks disparities of this kind must be entirely a product of sexism hasn’t thought about these issues very deeply.

I’ve read the piece multiple times now, and I’m quite at a loss as to when either of the women claimed to hold that position. Again, it’s a straw man that Sam sets up, just to knock down. It’s very easy to seem intellectually superior when you make a show of knocking down exaggerated claims you’ve pinned on your opponent.

Anyway, Harris spends a lot of time talking about how he knows and respects women etc, and even points out that he recognizes the danger of skirting the “some of my best friends are black” style defense against accusations of sexism.

But simply pointing out that you’re aware of the pit looming in front of you isn’t enough. You have to actually change course to avoid it.

Personally, I would have hoped that if Sam had so much respect for and interaction with women, he might have picked up by now how many of them find comments about their “nurturing” natures to be patronizing as all hell, especially when reached for glibly as an explanation of why they are underrepresented in various fields or careers.

You see, and this really gets to the heart of what Harris missed here, these kinds of benevolent-seeming comments are often used to justify the differences created by deeply-entrenched structural sexism. You’ll hear things like women are too delicate for sports, too sensitive to go to war, they don’t like to get dirty, they’re more naturally inclined to soft skills like caring for children, they’re more supportive and less competitive than men, and so on and so forth.

These words, plotted out visually, would form a mental map around the core stereotypes of motherhood and femininity, the idealized archetype of woman (in the eyes of a lot of men). And these ideas have frequently been used to oppress women throughout history.

These kinds of things are examples of benevolent sexism, sexist concepts that, on surface examination, sound positive. Women are more caring, women are nicer, women aren’t as dirty. Isn’t that a nice thing to say about someone? How could anyone protest being called “the fairer sex”?!?!

But they straightjacket women and the ways they can express themselves in the world. They send signals to women about how they’re expected to behave and which careers they are expected to go into, and they have been used, over and over and over, to justify the inequality caused by deep-seated misogyny. No, we hear, it’s not sexism that keeps women out of certain careers, certain spaces, it’s because they’re just not inclined toward those kinds of things in the first place! It’s not that we’re keeping women out, it’s that they don’t even want to come in!

Which brings us back to Harris’s contentious comment.

There’s something about that critical posture that is to some degree intrinsically male and more attractive to guys than to women,” he said. “The atheist variable just has this—it doesn’t obviously have this nurturing, coherence-building extra estrogen vibe that you would want by default if you wanted to attract as many women as men.”

Well, obviously, if women don’t want to participate, the likely explanation is because they’re just not inclined to this kind of thing, this man-thing. This rough-and-tumble back-and-forth intellectual pugilism. Women are more gentle, you see. Softer. Nurturing.

Harris doesn’t want to acknowledge the (likely unintentional) sexism in this comment, but he doesn’t have real evidence that critical thought is more “intrinsically male”, more a part of our natures. And it’s unfortunate that Harris can’t see his quick, off-the-cuff reaching for that particular explanation first as part of a larger, problematic pattern experienced regularly by women in society.

And it’s doubly unfortunate that many of the prominent males in the community are, as we speak, closing ranks and working to discredit the sources and communities where the strongest feminist critique is coming from. It would be nice if they’d try to listen and understand instead of getting defensive. If I hadn’t already unfollowed Dawkins a long time ago, I would have had to, now. People you look up to, intellectually, making cringe-worthy comments is a fairly painful experience.

The ending paragraph slips from what could still be considered to be an honest mistake to an unfortunate bit of vindictiveness. I understand that he’s taking heavy flak and the urge to punch back is probably strong. Hell, I’m an argumentative guy, I get the urge to strike back.

Pretending to want to keep the harmony while taking the opportunity to throw some less-than-subtle kicks at whoever it was he was debating with is a shit move. It’s like firing a few tank shells across the border at a neighboring nation and waiting for a counter-attack, all while loudly proclaiming that you’re trying to keep the peace. That is not what the moral high ground looks like.

Start a fight or don’t, whatever, but just own it, Sam. And clear up all this the bloody straw.

Pricing Is Hard

15 Jul
July 15, 2014

System Crash is going to be priced at $15. Because I’m indecisive, mainly.

I mulled on it for ages and just couldn’t reach a decision. I basically hovered between 2 price points, $10 and $20. But for the life of me, I couldn’t settle on which was a better option. Some days I’d lean more toward $10, others I was almost certain that $20 was the better decision. Doesn’t help that I have no first-hand knowledge to go by, no past sales figures to compare. In the end, I just got tired of thinking about it. So I shrugged, said “ah, fuck it” and split the difference. $15 it will be!

Thinking about pricing is tricky. Especially since, as developers, I think we all have 2 viewpoints on the matter. Viewpoints that pull in two opposite directions. Our developer side and our gamer/consumer side. We’ve all had experience as gamers purchasing games, and we all know that offering a game cheaply can convince us to take a chance on a game.

So there’s the temptation to just set the price low and hope to cast the net wide. That’s where the lean toward pricing SC at $10 comes from.

But you’ve got to be careful with that. Humans have a tendency to only remember the hits and forget about the misses when trawling through our memories of the past for data to confirm impressions. That’s how John Edwards makes his living. You don’t remember the times a low price failed to persuade you to buy a game. So you don’t really, objectively know that price was the deciding factor, or even how much price weighs against other factors when you make decisions. It might just be that the price is easy to recall and compare objectively, so you it sticks in your memory. The more fuzzy parts of your decision-making might remaing hidden from you.

There’s also plenty of advice from people selling their games, that you shouldn’t price your title too low, that cutting your price in half won’t result in a more than double increase in units sold. And that the optimal price point is often higher than you imagine.

And I know that I, personally, am a pretty shit haggler. I tend to lowball myself. Based on advice I’ve read/heard about freelance work and so on, I suspect I’m not alone in that regard. So I know that I can’t really trust my instincts, that I should probably take whatever figure my gut thinks is reasonable and raise it by 30-50%. That’s where the urge to price SC at $20 comes from. Maybe even $25! Daring!

As an aside, it’s funny (and scary) to think about how the regular Steam sales have affected perception of $20-$25. There was a time when that was for the low end of (new) games. Now that’s like premium indie or slightly discounted mainstream. For the Natural Selection 2’s of the world.

It doesn’t help that there are many great games priced at $10. Some of which, if I’m honest, I think are better than System Crash. Which makes me feel presumptuous and nervous, pricing SC higher than those titles!

But maybe those games are priced too low, or are in later parts of the sales tail, or have alternate monetization, or some other factor. I don’t know! It’s one of those things where you just have to try not to panic and go with what you know is a good value proposition, if you’ll excuse the biz speak. I spend more than $20 just for a casual night out with friends for a few hours. System Crash is looking like it will have close to 80 missions at this stage! Overall, it’s good value!

I have to hold onto that, use it to steady my nerves. I’m not trying to gouge anyone here, but I also want to trade my output for what it’s worth, a fair price, traded honestly, for good value. And hopefully at least cover my expenses!

So fuck it. 15 bucks is what it will be.

On Anxiety And Measuring Success

03 Jul
July 3, 2014

Anxiety is paralyzing.

Or, at least, it is for me. I can only talk about my own experiences here. Other people might thrive under stress, I don’t know.

Tell me if you’ve ever experienced this. A giant deadline looms. Every time you think about it, your stomach clenches slightly. But, instead of doing the rational thing, instead of buckling down and focusing on making the best use of your time, you find yourself procrastinating. Flittering away your time on the most trivial distractions.

Which makes the anxiety even worse. Whenever you stop procrastinating, the anxiety rushes back, made all the more worse by the knowledge that you have even less time left, and compounded by the guilt you feel at having squandered time on procrastination.

Which, of course, makes the urge to go back to procrastinating, to distract yourself from your anxiety, even stronger. The proverbial vicious cycle. And even if you’re aware of it, it can be extremely hard to escape the cycle.

For myself, I’ve experienced this more and more frequently the closer I get to releasing System Crash. I’ve invested so much time, money and effort into the project that thinking about the outcome creates a churning mix of hope, fear and stress. And, unfortunately, I’m one of those people who hopes for the best but anticipates/plans for the worst. I would love for System Crash to do well, but mentally I’m braced for it to be a flop. Which is just realistic, very few people hit it out of the park on their first swing, and certainly I’ve made a range of mistakes that I cringe thinking about (though hopefully I’ll avoid them with the next project).

But that kind of “realistic pessimism” mindset means that, in my mind, the chance of failure far outweighs the probability of success. So the anxiety loop feeds on that. I think about the outcome, my mind imagines failure/disappointment, and I feel…well, I suspect it’s anxiety, but I’m not so consciously aware of that part. What I am aware of is a sort of draining away of my motivation and enthusiasm. I develop a creeping apathy toward my own project, and a strong desire to focus on something else.

So I’ll go off and paint, for example, even though I know it isn’t a priority, that I really should be getting my SC work done in my scant free time. But the painting is simple, relaxing and creative. And painting still feels like I’m achieving something, unlike goofing off playing video games for hours. The fact that it feels productive means that I don’t feel the guilt that I do when simply playing around, but it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, so there’s none of the anxiety either. My future, my self-identity, that isn’t caught up in whether I paint this fantasy monster well or not.

Another one is getting into pointless internet debates. I have strong opinions on things at the best of times. But I think that when I’m stressed, I give in to the temptation to argue far more. Again, I suspect it’s my mind distracting itself from one emotion with another. “But it’s important that this is said!” I think. But it isn’t important. The long-term work is what is important, my mind is just focusing on distractions to push away the stress, to alleviate the sense of looming identity-threat.

So that’s fairly sucky. I dunno, I hope I haven’t come off sounding neurotic here. I don’t want to exaggerate the problem. But it certainly is something I’ve noticed. Especially now, toward the end. The closer to the end I get, the stronger the resistance is. But what can you do about it?

Enough talking about the problem, what’s the solution?

Well, discipline helps. Being able to force yourself to soldier through, whatever you’re feeling. But I don’t find discipline alone does it. At least not for me, not long term. Maybe I’m just not disciplined enough, I don’t know. But it’s really hard to stand as stern taskmaster over your own mind when it’s that same mind experiencing the stress and wanting to escape it. I find that if you try to simply pit your will against your emotions, eventually your will crumbles. Willpower is a castle built on the rock of your emotions, your drive and desire. When the foundations start to crumble, the structure cannot stand for long.

So discipline alone hasn’t proven to be a great solution, for me. I can power through, but only for a while. A more permanent solution is required.

What else? Well, what’s really needed here is to address the source of the problem, that anxiety. The mind can’t carry that kind of burden for long, it will seek to put the burden down one way or the other. If you can’t find a more intelligent way to give your mind relief, the animal subconscious will do it for you, it will play its tricks with procrastination and so on.

So What I’ve found works best, for me, is to reframe the way you think about it. The anxiety comes from the sense of identity-threat and impending disappointment. From this line of thinking – “I’ve tried so hard, put in so much, what if it’s a failure?!? What if it’s a public failure?!?! Oh no!!! :(”

But what is it specifically? What is the “failure” I’m afraid of? Well, here, failure is the game being a financial flop. Not making enough money to cover its costs. Being disappointing, to me and others.

But surely that isn’t the only measure of success? Making money? I know it’s going to sound like hippy bullshit, but the only way I’ve found to truly relieve that anxiety long term, to achieve a measure of mental zen, is to redefine how I am choosing to measure success. Let the money be a nice, but not necessary condition for considering the project “successful.”

Instead, choose to measure success by :

– Whether you’re proud of what you’ve created. You’ll probably never be perfectly happy with anything you create, but you can be proud of it, nevertheless.

– The sense of pride and accomplishment you feel for actually having done it. You’ve done what you set out to do. You’ve taken the step most people can’t or won’t. You haven’t just talked the talk, you’ve walked the walk. You haven’t just dreamed about it, you’ve picked up your tools and turned it into a reality. That’s a powerful thing. Keep doing that and your life WILL change.

– What you’ve learned in the process. Education ain’t cheap, as a friend told me when I mentioned that I was stressed about the fact that I’d sunk so much of my savings into this project and I might see little in return. And that’s the plain truth. Education is expensive, but it’s the best investment you can make, investing in yourself .

– Whether the game finds an audience who enjoys it, no matter how small. Even if it’s just 3 people and one of them’s your mum. If it finds an audience who it resonates with, who enjoy playing it and are enthusiastic, you’ve built something that adds value to other people’s lives. That’s a great, rare thing. Treasure it.

– Fun. Plain old fun. Did you enjoy creating it? Do you still enjoy playing it? Look, it’s not going to be fun all the time. There will be long periods of hard or boring work. Lots of grinding. But in amoungst that, there should be plenty of moments where you felt that joy at creating something that excites you. Remember those moments, clutch them to your breast, let them feed your soul.

So that’s what works for me. Changing my own definition of what it means to be successful. When I do that, the anxiety melts away. I’m already successful. And I look forward to the future, I look forward to releasing System Crash and sharing what I’ve made with all of you. And then doing it again.

The doing must be an end in itself, not a means to an end. That’s the secret that I’ve found. The process is the reward. And when I keep that in mind, I can get back to creating from a place of joy and excitement. Instead of a cloud of fear.

Yoda had it right. Fear really is the path to the Dark Side.